Divorce Assumptions

by questful | Mar 4, 2025 | Emotional, Parenting, Uncategorized

In one of my favorite books, The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz shares what is essentially his code of conduct for living a fulfilling and meaningful life. In the book, Ruiz describes four agreements he suggests people use as a personal code of conduct, guiding both how we think about ourselves and act toward others.

The four agreements he outlines are:
1. Be impeccable with your word – speak with integrity.
2. Don’t take anything personally – nothing others do is because of you.
3. Don’t make assumptions – find the courage to ask questions and share what you really want.
4. Always do your best – this will change from moment to moment; for example, it will be different when you are healthy or sick.

I find these agreements are useful reminders anytime, but especially during a transition like divorce when we are often looking for answers and asking why or how something happened. Specifically, it’s easy to look for someone to blame, or go down the painful path of, “if I had only…” or “if my spouse did or didn’t do something…” Those questions can offer insights if you are looking to learn from the experience as you move forward, but they can also keep us stuck in a negative thought pattern.

I love each of Ruiz’s agreements, but for this blog I’m focusing on the danger of making assumptions.

Oftentimes we don’t realize what assumptions we bring to a situation, so it’s a great first step to recognize that your assumptions may be a factor in how you’re navigating this time.

Here are a few examples:

• Do you assume that once you share your story with the judge or your lawyer that they’ll hear you, sympathize, and make things “right?”  This can be a costly mistake for many reasons: emotionally, as it is rarely accurate, and financially, too because going to court is always more expensive than coming to an agreement.

• Divorce is fair.  Unfortunately, “fairness” is a subjective term that is difficult to measure. Something what feels fair to you may seem completely lopsided to someone else. Instead of judging the outcome by an elusive standard like fairness, work with your team to set specific goals that meet your needs.

• Your ex / spouse feels a certain way.  For example, I have a client who is post-decree and still dealing with many coparenting challenges, including scheduling, decision-making, cost-sharing, and an approach to discipline and therapy. My client feels strongly that her ex doesn’t care as much as she does about being a good parent. But what if he just doesn’t see these issues the same way she does? Lately we have been talking about her assumption that he is picking fights in order to make her life difficult and with malice. And maybe that’s true. But what if it isn’t? What if he felt controlled in the marriage and is working on standing up for himself? What if he also believes in the fairness of his argument? What if their dynamic is preventing either of them from seeing that they both want what’s best for the kids?

In this situation my client has found some comfort in trying to believe that her ex does want what’s best for the kids. It’s allowed her to pause before automatically assuming that what he suggests is wrong and harmful.

Could you have a more productive discussion with your ex (and possibly come to resolution sooner) if you were willing to look at what assumptions you bring to the process?

It’s a Two-way Street

When I talk with clients about this they often respond with: I’ll do it but then he/she should, too.

Yes. They should. But we all know that doesn’t mean much. If you could control your ex’s behavior, would we be talking about divorce? No one can make you or your ex do anything, including evaluate your assumptions. Accepting that, and doing what is best for you, because it is best for you and not for any other reason, is where transformation happens.

Another quote from The Four Agreements is this: “If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn’t walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don’t need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.”

Are you willing to take the brave and vulnerable step of checking your assumptions during this process? It may be scary, but it’s also empowering.

Ask yourself what scares you about it. Is there one action you can take today that will help you build your confidence, so you can take another one tomorrow?

I know you’ve done hard things before, and you can do this, too. You’re worth the effort.

Andra S. Davidson
Founder, Certified Divorce Coach, Mediator
Phone: (720) 804-0133
andra@betterthanbeforedivorce.com
www.betterthanbeforedivorce.com

What is a “Best Self Divorce,” and Why is it Important?

by questful | Apr 13, 2024 | Emotional, Parenting, Uncategorized

If you are anywhere in the divorce process you’ve probably had someone on your team encourage you to show up as your “best self” as often as possible during the process. And while that sounds good, most people don’t know what it means or how to do that.

I define a Best Self Divorce this way:

• One in which you commit to taking the high road,
• Engaging your strengths and values,
• Being kind to yourself and others,
• Owning and forgiving yourself for your mistakes,
• Celebrating your successes, and
• Moving unapologetically toward the wholehearted future you deserve.

Common objections to this approach include:

• My ex isn’t taking the high road, so why should I?
• It’s too much work.
• My kids should see who their (other parent) really is.

While these issues are understandable, they don’t change the valuable impact of you working to be your best self during divorce.

Here’s why:

First, while you may be correct that your ex isn’t behaving well, you aren’t doing it for them, it’s for you. When you choose the high road, several positive things tend to occur. First, your ex often follows your lead! You feel better about your own choices, and who you are; you move forward, toward the future instead of staying stuck; and you model the kind of behavior you want your kids to emulate.

This also addresses the second objection: “It’s too much work.” In my experience, this isn’t true – it’s more work to stay low. Why? Because it may seem easy now, but you’ll probably end up having to go back and try to undo the impact of the choices you regret. Whether it’s apologizing to people that were upset, spending time trying to fix problems that resulted from poor decisions, or just the stress that regret and angst causes you – the toll of going low is real.

Importantly, kids don’t need you to point out who their other parent “really” is. If your spouse/ex is going to blow it, let them do it themselves. The best thing you can do is create a safe space for your kids and encourage a healthy relationship with both parents. Study after study shows that hearing negative comments about a parent makes kids feel guilt, feel like they must choose sides, and can lead to self-esteem issues, self-blaming and more, depending on a child’s age and individual situation. On the other hand, when you encourage a healthy relationship with the other parent, take the high road and show flexibility, it will pay off for years. Your kids notice those choices, too, and you reinforce that you are safe and trustworthy. They don’t have to take care of you, worried you’ll fall apart if they mention the other parent. They can share their stress and worries with you and ask for support, knowing you have perspective. Again, you may be correct – the other parent may blow it with your kids but let them be the one to make the mistakes. Saying I told you so is tempting but ultimately empty when it’s your child’s well-being that suffers.

Think of showing up as your best self during divorce as a gift you give yourself. No one can make you say something or force you to respond in a certain way. Give yourself the opportunity to move toward your future with intention, and it will ripple into all aspects of your life.

Andra S. Davidson
Founder, Certified Divorce Coach, Mediator
Phone: (720) 804-0133
andra@betterthanbeforedivorce.com
www.betterthanbeforedivorce.com