by questful | Oct 22, 2019 | Parenting, Uncategorized
The words to Graham Nash’s song from the 60s still ring true. The sentimental message of this song is a perfect touchstone for those of you who are trying to navigate the emotionally rocky waters which surround holiday parenting time. It can be challenging to manage shared parenting time during the holidays. It is even more difficult for those families with geographical and distance issues, blended families, and raw wounds of recent partings.
Opportunity
With challenges come opportunities. The opportunity is open to you to use the holidays as a time to “teach your children well” by role modeling positive interactions, kindness, and respect. October is a good time of year to think ahead and begin planning. Parents can try to keep the holidays a happy time for their children by avoiding conflicts. They can also work together to create schedules centered on their children.
Traditions
Parents can also work separately to create meaningful new traditions in their own households. Part of the pain when a relationship ends is the loss of certain holiday traditions. Remember that your children are experiencing this loss too. New traditions can be created. However, you do not want these new traditions to be based in conflict and anger.
Change is Hard
None of this is easy. There may be new partners, step-families, many more schedules to coordinate, etc. That is why having a touchstone, “teach your children well,” may help you stay grounded. The lessons your children glean from the cooperation and selflessness shown by parents will last them a lifetime.
Joy
Later in the same song Nash goes on to acknowledge that children provide teaching moments for their parents. Think back to how many wonderful moments of pure joy your children have already given you. You have been able to rediscover the joys of the holidays through their eyes. Now, during this time of transition and building new traditions, you have choices to make. Will you support and nurture them? Or will you add to their burdens? Holidays can be wonderful occasions or they can be fraught with pain and tension. Only the two of you can decide.
Conclusion
As the holidays approach each year, you can choose, again, to teach your children well. “So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.” Let this focus help you to leave them with the best blessing you can ever give them: your example of cooperation and love as you create a schedule that puts them first.
David S. Rolfe
Attorney/Mediator
David S. Rolfe, L.L.C.
Off: 303-841-1181
by questful | Sep 25, 2019 | Collaborative Law, Emotional, Uncategorized
In our day-to-day lives, we encounter all types of personalities. Some are much easier to deal with than others. And too often, we don’t get to choose the players in our divorce cases, so we must learn how to work with others in an effective, respectful manner in order to get things done.
The key is to develop an array of communication skills so that we’re prepared for the different people, personality styles, and situations that come our way. Teams depend on quick communications internally with colleagues as well as externally with clients in a variety of different mediums: phone calls, email, texts, meetings, etc.
In a perfect world, every communication exchange is efficient and to the point. Divorce cases are made up of diverse people with different temperaments—from those who are calm, cool and collected to High-Conflict People (HCP)—all of whom have varying levels of communication skills and motives. Toss in a couple disruptive people, whether they are clients or colleagues, and the probability of depleting productivity and morale is high.
Most every divorcing couple is in conflict, by definition. And many of them are high-conflict individuals by nature which only exacerbates the situation.
Do these examples sound familiar?
- Perhaps you dread reading the daily complaints in your inbox from your soon-to-be ex-spouse?
- Have you ever received an irate email from a client, blaming you for their dissatisfaction and threatening to sue?
- Do those written reviews from your High-Conflict clients just make you want to quit?
- Having trouble collaborating on a divorce case with that certain person who never seems to actually work, and blames others for not getting things done?
- Maybe you have a client who sends you countless antagonistic emails and consumes far more time than you can give to any one client.
- Are you irritated with Karen and Bob’s never-ending series of aggressive emails to each other, all of which get copied to you?
These are just a few of the situations where you might find a High-Conflict Person or be an HCP’s target of blame. Chances are it’s happened before and it will happen again. Do you and your teammates know how to respond?
BIFF Responses, from a valuable book by Bill Eddy entitled Biff: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns, are specifically designed to help you address written hostilities, but this technique can also be used in person-to-person verbal confrontations.
BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. It’s a simple response technique that’s quick and effective in dealing with today’s High-Conflict communications. I’ve used BIFF responses with great success in both my personal and professional lives, but they take practice!
BRIEF
Responses should be very short: one paragraph of 2-5 sentences in most cases. The point is to avoid triggering HCP defensiveness in the other person and focusing them on problem-solving information. The more you say, the more likely you are to trigger another negative response.
INFORMATIVE
Provide a sentence or two of straight, useful information in neutral terms on the subject being discussed. Shift the discussion to an objective subject rather than opinions about one another.
FRIENDLY
You can start out by saying something like: “Thank you for telling me your opinion on this subject.” Or: “I appreciate your concerns.” Or: “Thanks for your email. Let me give you some information you may not have…”
FIRM
The goal of many BIFF responses is to end the conversation—to disengage from a potentially high-conflict situation. You want to let the other person know that this is really all you are going to say on the subject. In some cases, you will give two clear choices for future action. If you need a response, then it often helps to set a firm reply date. If you are going to take action if the other person does not do something, then you could say, for example: “If I don’t receive the information I need by such and such date, then I will have to do such and such. I really hope that won’t be necessary.” (Note this is both firm and friendly)
What’s the Goal?
There are usually three goals to consider with HCPs:
- To manage the relationship, such as when you work with the person, when this person is your child, or is a spouse with whom you’re negotiating a settlement, etc. In other words, when the relationship is important to you OR you have no way to get out of it.
- To reduce the relationship to a less intense level, such as with a friend, neighbor, or even a family member.
- To end the relationship, usually by phasing the person slowly out of your life.
How you respond makes a big difference to the HCP. If you give him negative feedback, you will increase the intensity of his interactions with you, as HCPs can’t handle negative feedback. It’s better to use BIFFs and avoid talking about the past as well as putting the emphasis on the desired future behavior.
I’ve used the BIFF technique in countless situations: defusing team disagreements, getting business partners (and married couples) unstuck from their defensiveness and deal breakers, keeping mediation and negotiation sessions on track and moving forward, breaking up family arguments that no one thought could ever be resolved, etc. These tools will help prevent defensiveness, defuse arguments and create connections with teammates as well as family and friends. Truly a must-have for your skills toolbox!
Deb Daufeldt, MA, MBA, LPC, NCC, PMP
Office Phone: (303) 662-1888
Mobile Phone: (303) 638-5295
deb@newchaptersolutions.com
www.newchaptersolutions.com
by questful | Sep 8, 2019 | Financial, Uncategorized
When dividing assets in divorce most people, individuals, mediators and attorneys alike, tend to focus on the property division spreadsheet. Current asset and debt values from statements are deemed to be separate or marital and funneled onto the division worksheet. Typically, above all else, the focus and end goal is to split property 50-50. With so much emphasis on this spreadsheet that dictates the remainder of your financial future, is there anything missing that could dramatically skew the end results?
The old cliché of ‘nothing is certain in life except death and taxes’ rings loud and true in divorce, don’t ignore them. It is important to realize that the value of an asset can drastically morph, being cut in half or double in value depending upon when the funds are needed. Retirement accounts have tax benefits and may be invested more aggressively allowing funds to grow faster over a long period of time. Money doubles every 10 years if invested at a rate of 7.2% per year. However, if investments are needed to purchase a new home, pay legal fees or subsidize an individual’s life style, the amount of money available after-tax could potentially be cut in half.
Different tax rules need to be applied to different types of accounts. For example, annuities versus stock accounts have different tax rules. Roth accounts versus IRA or 401k accounts are significantly different and should be analyzed. Additional withdrawal expenses such as surrender fees may be applicable to some accounts or penalty waivers available in other scenarios.
There is a tremendous value in taking the time to sit down with a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst™ to support you in making informed decisions during your divorce regarding your future.
Amy Mahlen, CFP®, CDFA®
AM Financial
7887 East Belleview Ave., Suite 100
Denver, CO 80111
Phone: (303) 875-8730
amahlen@mahlenfinancial.com
www.mahlenfinancial.com
by questful | Sep 8, 2019 | Financial, Uncategorized
My spouse wants to quitclaim me off the Deed of our home in Denver, Colorado. What should I do? Most couples think once a spouse has been quitclaimed off a property deed of trust in Colorado Divorce, they are no longer responsible for the mortgage payments. By giving a quitclaim deed to your spouse, you have given up title “only” in the property.
I would strongly suggest you either refinance your Colorado real estate immediately or sell the house and forgo the quitclaim deed. The quit-claim deed is often used as a simple way to give up all interest rights in real estate. By giving up title to the property in a Colorado Divorce, you are still responsible for any loan that is in your name.
Typically, the spouse who keeps the real estate must refinance or sell the property to remove any mortgages. If you are quitclaimed off of the property, you still are financially obligated to make the mortgage payments on the house during the sale or refinance period. If mortgage payments are not made or made late, this could damage your credit score and affect your ability to purchase another house in the future. From our experience with separation of real estate in a divorce, we have seen one spouse intentionally make late mortgage payments to spite the other spouse. In addition, we have seen ex-spouses forgo the general maintenance on the house; whereby reducing the saleability of the house.
There is no reason to quitclaim either spouse from the real estate in a Colorado Divorce until the day of decree is final. Again, you need to protect your interest and make sure that any agreements regarding the mortgage should be carefully specified in the decree.
I would strongly recommend you seek legal advice prior to making any decisions regarding the dissolution of any interest in your Real Estate portfolio.
Damon Chavez, Realtor
10135 West San Juan Way, #100
Littleton, CO 80127
Phone: (303) 649-6767
damon@coloradohousefinders.com
www.coloradohousefinders.com
by questful | Sep 8, 2019 | Collaborative Law, Uncategorized
You and your spouse have decided it’s better off for everyone to get a divorce, but if you and your spouse are getting along just fine, do you really need an attorney? Don’t attorneys just make things worse? If you do it yourself, what’s the worst that can happen?
Most couples experience serious sticker shock when meeting with a divorce attorney for the first time. You want how much?!?! How come you can’t tell me the final number this is going to cost me? After leaving the office, you will think to yourself “How hard can it be to get divorced?” You do an online search and BAM there’s a website that just gives you forms you need for FREE!! All you have to do is fill in the blanks, mark a couple of boxes and you are divorced, right? This may seem like a no-brainer if you’re getting along and are willing to reach an agreement. Unfortunately, there can be serious consequences in a do-it-yourself divorce even if you are getting along with your spouse.
Did you know that one of the only careers where a pessimistic personality is seen as a positive attribute is being a lawyer? Attorneys are trained to look at any situation and automatically think worst case scenario and then navigate ways around that worst-case scenario by adding in protections, making sure enough details are included. This is what most do-it-yourself divorcing couples fail to do. Most couples that are going through an amicable divorce never foresee that the parties won’t always see eye to eye, but it does happen. This can lead to agreements that are frustratingly vague and possibly unenforceable.
Attitudes and feelings towards each other can change greatly even after the divorce is final. If something comes up and the Court has to get involved, it quickly becomes more expensive than if the couple had hired attorneys in the first place. It is a lot harder to undo a bad agreement that has become an order of the Court then it is to have the agreements and orders prepared correctly the first time.
However, hiring an attorney may not look like you assume. Divorcing couples have numerous options when it comes to getting a divorce. One option is “kitchen table divorce.” This describes couples that are getting along and can sit down at the kitchen table and go through all of their assets and debts and decide who gets what. They file the paperwork with the Court themselves. Even so, it will always benefit you to hire an attorney to review the agreements to ensure there will be no surprises down the road.
Couples can also reach a settlement through mediation. The mediator acts as a neutral negotiator who assists the couple in reaching agreements in dividing the assets and debts and also issues related to parenting and child support. Attorneys may or not be involved in mediation. If you are getting along with your spouse, but just need help with reaching the agreement, mediation may be the way to go. You and your spouse can contact the mediator directly and share the costs. The mediator will not help file any of the court documents, so you will need to do it yourself or hire an attorney to assist you.
Collaborative Divorce is also an option. Collaboration takes a team approach by using neutral experts and working together to reach agreements thereby allowing the couple to make their own decisions on the outcome of the settlement.
The final option for couples is the “traditional” divorce through the court system with attorney. This can be the most expensive with the parties taking an adversarial position against each other but is necessary if the parties are combative and not willing to compromise.
So, do you really need an Attorney? The short answer is Yes, but it may not look like you first imagined. An understanding attorney can help with any of the above scenarios and tailor our services to meet your families’ needs.
Sarah Wolter, Attorney
by questful | Aug 16, 2019 | Emotional, Uncategorized
As most of us were growing up and being socialized, we were taught the skills to get along with others. Barring personality disorders, mental illness or other major impediments there is little that holds us back from the exercise of those fundamental skills which we commonly refer to as manners or common courtesies. We use them in our everyday interactions with strangers we meet in passing: we hold the door on an elevator, we smile and say hello, we ask an older person if they need help, or we let someone with only a couple of grocery items go ahead of us. These are the common courtesies that we casually extend to strangers. We feel good about ourselves when we extend kindness to others.
Following or leading up to divorce or separation, the common courtesies may disappear. Relationships may be fraught with conflict and anger and most people are not at their best. Relationships with the ones we have divorced or separated from become strained and lack the simple common courtesies that we extend even to strangers. To build a more positive future, a return to those courtesies is needed. There seems to be an even greater need for them with the people we are or were closer to than there is with strangers.
These are the people we have shared a deep and intimate bond with. Usually there is an ongoing relationship because there are still children to be raised together. While it may be easier to give a stranger the courtesies we think of as common because we don’t have the anger and history we have with an “ex” the truth is that we also don’t have the intimacy and shared family bonds. Finding the ability to give to that person the same treatment that you give regularly to strangers should not be so difficult when you consider the reward to yourself and to your children. Ask yourself – what prevents you from extending those courtesies to the other person? Are you extending those courtesies to your children? Think about it. Think about the example to set for your children. Examine your motives. Then make the effort and commitment.
This simple, but admittedly difficult, change in perspective to extend social kindness and respect may bring surprising changes to our lives and those of our children. Modeling behavior for our children is a basic parenting skill. More importantly, it brings more civility to your own life and to those around you.
David S. Rolfe
Attorney/Mediator
David S. Rolfe, L.L.C.
Off: 303-841-1181
